Breaking
by Nonworth
Summary: "What was the purpose of his existence, again?" In which Matsuoka Rin reaches his breaking point, and everything seems to be a lie. One-shot, Harurinralia never happened; One-sided Sourin; character death (trigger warning: suicide)
1. Broken

Rin was breaking.

When Haru acknowledged him, reached out for him, held him in his arms as Rin let loose his tears, it had been blissful.

The more Rin thought about it, the more pathetic Rin felt.

Haru went through so much more hardship; Rin, although his father was dead, at least had his sister and mother. Haru only had Makoto, and even then, it probably lacked something only family could provide. And now the future loomed over Haru, throwing out demands at the blue-eyed male, and Rin's remarks had helped nothing.

It only made Haru raise his voice at Rin for the first time; the slam of Haru's fist against the locker made Rin realize for the first time that he had been arrogant, too full of himself.

Now that Haru hated him, the whole Iwatobi hated him. And the more solemn and quiet Rin became as self-loathing took place; the more his teammates avoided him. Rin wouldn't tell his troubles to anyone, not even to Sousuke, because every time he did tell about his petty troubles, everyone laughed before throwing out an advice.

They probably laughed because it was such a childish problem. Nothing compared to what others go through, Rin supposed.

He didn't deserve to rant, or get sad. He shouldn't cry, because there were others who wanted to cry more than him, but held the wails back and pain hidden.

The Rin who revealed everything he felt was weak.

Then there was the whole thing about Sousuke's shoulder.

It would be a lie if Rin said he didn't notice something wrong with Sousuke during practices. And he knew that he was officially a heartless shit when he saw how bad it was; the bruise a clear contrast even against his childhood friend's tanned skin.

Rin was weak, and a shit who was so blinded by the idea of victory that he didn't take extra care of his friend when he noticed something wrong. And as self-hatred increased, the more unfocused Rin became, and the more his grades and swim time slipped.

More reason for him to question his existence.

He visited his father's grave more frequently, sitting without looking away from the polished stone, letting the salty breeze to toy with his magenta locks. The length of time he spent there got longer and longer, and he berated himself at midnight when he panicked over unfinished homework, feeling terrible that he was bothering the sleeping Sousuke with his desk light. When Sousuke began showing signs of exhaustion from waking up constantly due to the light, Rin began going to sleep early without finishing his homework. Sousuke had tried to tell Rin to not to worry about him, but how could he not when Rin already worsened Sousuke's shoulder?

His teachers began to talk to him as Rin's grades kept dropping. It got to the point where they had to tell him that if he didn't raise his grades soon, he would have to quit swimming.

Rin began to furiously cram information into his tired brain and pushed through homework like his life depended on it. He accomplished this in the bathroom with a flashlight as his only source of light, so as to not bother Sousuke too much.

On his third all-nighter, Rin sat up straight on the tile floor and looked up at the pitch black ceiling, pencil dropping from his motionless hand and onto the paper with a soft tap, and wondered why he was trying so hard.

Even with these all-nighters, his grades wavered between dropping and rising. Information that Rin forced into his head somehow deleted themselves after the unit was complete. His time still kept steadily dropping, making the dream of becoming an Olympic swimmer go further and further away.

One joint practice was all it took for the Iwatobi members to bombard his cell phone with messages.

_[Rin, are you alright?]_

_[Rin-chan, what's wrong?]_

_[Rin-san, everyone is worried. Please tell us what's wrong.]_

_[Rin, talk to us.]_

After Rin replied with a "I'm fine, man, stop worrying" then a "Just tired from schoolwork" followed by a smiley face and a thumbs up, people stopped messaging him again.

Rin's chest felt hollow as he gazed at the motionless phone, hating his four "friends" for planting the thought that they care for him in Rin's head.

Rin stopped going to practices, leaving the leading to Sousuke. Sousuke was better at coaching, anyway. The redhead's body began to change, and as Rin gazed at his disappearing abs, he told himself that he should work out; then hated himself for not willing to follow his own advice.

What was the purpose of his existence, again?

* * *

Today was the day Rin was finally going to take action. With a huff, the redhead sat up in his bed, swung his legs over, and stood; stretching his stiff arms up until a pop could be heard from his spine. Sousuke looked down at him with sleepy eyes that turned wide at the sight of a more or less active Rin.

"'morning," Rin said with a small smirk at Sousuke. The dumbfounded teal-eyed teen only nodded.

"… 'morning," Sousuke said lamely.

"Hey, do you mind clearing out for the day? It's Saturday anyway," Rin asked. "I want to clean up the mess that I made in the past few weeks."

"Er… sure."

"Also, I'm going to Iwatobi to visit some people," Rin continued, looking at Sousuke. At his childhood friend's confused and relieved expression, he let out another small grin. "Sorry about worrying you, by the way."

"… Don't just apologize to me; the whole team was worried, you know."

With an "I will" and a wave, Rin was out.

* * *

Haru was surprised, Makoto was almost crying, Nagisa was chirpy as always, and Rei was relieved at Rin's sudden appearance. They tell him that they were worried, but he's not falling for their false worries.

Rin recited what he had practiced over and over again; smile, look sheepish, apologize.

Haru looks skeptical, but doesn't say anything, so Rin assumes that the acting passed and moves onto his home.

His mother and Gou look thrilled at Rin's appearance, and he lets them embrace him. It takes all he has to not cry at the feeling of a comforting hug. But the sight of his crying mother and sister reminds him what a bad son and brother he is.

"Nothing's wrong, really," is what he answers their repeated question with.

He doesn't spend too much time there, and goes back to his dorm. He begins to clean up the mess, just as he had said. After he lets out a satisfied huff at the dust-free room, he grabs his jammers and walk briskly to the pool.

No one is there, seeing that it was already weekend. He breathes in the chlorine in the air before moving to the changing room, stripping off his clothes and pulling on his jammers, and grabs a box from deep within his locker. He grabs the x acto knife from the box, and pulls out a letter from his pant pocket, placing it carefully over his folded clothes. He stares at it before closing the door and walking out to the pool.

When the blade hits the bottom of the pool, the water is already red, the source being the wrists of a certain redhead who lost his self-worth.

When he is discovered, it's too late.

* * *

"_To everyone,_

_Now you're left with one less trouble._

_-Matsuoka Rin"_

* * *

_Breaking_

_NonWorth_

_Super halfassed, but whatever-/ming_


	2. Gone and Found

Sousuke always knew.

He always knew, but did nothing about it.

And he felt like shit for not doing anything about it.

The magenta hair that somehow fell perfectly in place even after getting whipped around by a strong gust of wind, the beautiful red eyes that sparkled whenever that stunning smile was flashed his way… Never to be seen again.

Sousuke missed Matsuoka Rin.

* * *

He knew there was something wrong with Rin's smile that day. But he was manipulated by that very smile, swept away by the suddenness of it that he had to nod his head when the redhead asked him to leave the room so that he could clean up.

His heart had beaten uneasily when he closed the door behind him, but he waved it away, saying to himself that Rin was probably happy because Nanase said something. Perhaps the blue-eyed teen was coming over. Rin had always been infatuated with Nanase anyway.

Perhaps they were making up today.

Or perhaps there was something more.

Sousuke waved the thought away, and settled on wandering aimlessly through town to kill time.

* * *

Hours passed, and the sun was beginning to set.

Sousuke had somehow wandered over to the Iwatobi area, and was passing by the swim club when he saw four familiar figures walk out, three chattering and one silent. They all fell quiet, though, when their eyes met teal orbs.

"… Sousuke?" Makoto was the one who broke the silence. "What are you doing in Iwatobi—"

"That's what I should be asking you," Sousuke cut in, though he was staring wide-eyed at Haru.

The unease that had planted itself in Sousuke's stomach that morning began to grow.

"What do you mean?" Haru started, a small frown appearing.

"You were supposed to be with Rin, weren't you?"

The four Iwatobi males glanced at each other in puzzlement before turning back to Sousuke.

"Rin-chan visited us briefly but he didn't stay for lo—hey!" Nagisa began, and stared with a confused expression at the disappearing Sousuke's back.

"I wonder what that was all about—" Makoto began, but was silenced by Haru's grip on his forearm. "Haru?"

"… We're going," was all the raven-haired teen said before taking off.

* * *

By the time Sousuke realized that Rin wasn't in the room, the unease had become a sapling. He ran to the cafeteria, to the vending machines, everywhere, yelling Rin's name. He almost hit himself when he was told by two students that they had seen the redhead go toward the pool.

Of course, the pool. Why didn't he think of that first?

Sousuke began to run. But he slowed to a walk. Something forced him to stop running. His heart beat furiously against his rib cage as he reached out to push the door open.

Each step toward the pool felt heavy. The air was filled with uncertainty, chlorine, and…

Sousuke stopped breathing.

The sapling blossomed before bursting into a mess of dark, violent fury and guilt.

There was his love, peacefully floating face-up in the middle of the pool, that magenta hair flowing in all directions yet still looking perfect, those beautiful eyes that Sousuke loved now closed to the world, those streams of scarlet from the open wounds on Rin's otherwise perfect wrists that stained the pool water.

And that dreadfully enlightened expression present on Rin's face.

The slam of the door as Haru burst through sounded so, so far away. The splash as Haru dove in to reach Rin's body in the bloody water was barely audible.

Many, many people were suddenly gathered around, some checking Rin's pulse multiple times, some crying, some yelling scathing words at their lifeless captain.

It was only when he received concerned gazes that Sousuke realized that he had been standing in that one spot for a while.

Sousuke wanted to yell, scream, shout. He wanted to punch Rin's face, curse at him. But all he could do was choke on a sob as he crouched down and touched the too-cold skin of his beloved's face, clench his teeth as he cradled Rin's head to his chest, and let out whimpers as he placed his forehead on his childhood friend's.

Rin was gone

Gone

Gone

.

* * *

Sousuke stared at the polished headstone that stood erect on the hill underneath a cherry blossom tree, his fingers lovingly tracing the name carved into the surface.

_"Matsuoka Rin"_

He pulled himself forward until his lips touched the cool stone and whispered a "happy birthday," and stood up, brushing grass off his police uniform and walking to his car.

During the entire drive, he kept glancing at the little black velvet box that he had meant to give to Rin. He had been meaning to in the past few years, but he had chickened out each time.

"If only you can reincarnate or something," muttered Sousuke as he pulled into the station parking lot.

He got into the station, ready for work, when his boss came up to him. "Yamazaki, I would like to introduce you to a new recruit who will be joining us here in Iwatobi," he said. Sousuke blinked. A new recruit? He's never heard of this before, and—

His breath hitched at the sight of the man who entered.

Familiar sight filled his vision: magenta hair pulled back into a ponytail, glittering red eyes and a blinding smirk. "Hello," he said, voice full of playful arrogance as he thrust out a hand toward Sousuke. "I'm Sakurada Rin. I may have a girly name, but as you can see, I'm a very manly male. Nice to meet you."

Sousuke stared at this Sakurada character for a few seconds, the back of his eyes hot. He managed a smirk, and reached out to grasp and shake the offered hand.

"Nice to meet you too, Rin."

* * *

_Gone and Found_

_Nonworth_


End file.
